�lltam a parton �s n�ztem azt a sok szemetet, ami j�tt fel�m. Tudtam, hogy ez most val�j�ban egy k�lt�i hasonlat. Az�rt vagyok itt, hogy besz�ljek a hib�imr�l, meg err�l a sok dologr�l, ami nyomaszt. (Minden nyomaszt, az �g is, a felh�k �s Pilinszky csillagai is, �s a k�zt�k �rezehet� t�vlatok... Mi ehhez k�pest egy folyamnyi szem�t?)

Az volt tal�n a legink�bb meghat�roz�, hogy �n err�l nem tehetek. Hogy ez nem az �n m�vem, �s hogy nem �rtem, hogy mi�rt kell ez�rt (ez�rt is) felel�ss�get v�llalnom nekem. �s persze ebb�l a tiltakoz�sb�l is legink�bb csak azt �reztem (ahogy meztelen k�zzel szedegettem a rozsd�s-�telmarad�kos konzerveket), hogy tulajdonk�ppen felel�s vagyok. K�l�nben nem bizonygatn�m �s nem szedn�m a szemeteket innen, t�rve, hogy az �n kezemet is megv�gj�k �s az�rt is, akinek a kez�be adtam �ket. T�rve, hogy nem ez az els� elfert�z�d�tt sebem.

Pedig �n valamikor b�lcs is voltam. Ma m�r csak k�nosan nevetek magamon. Lehetne rosszabb is, nehezebb is tal�n. A tigris �gyis felfal mindent.

X.X.X

"Csapkod� halak sz�k tart�lyba szor�tva.
Itt van ez a v�gtelen t�r, �s engem m�r a j�rd�k is szor�tanak."

x.x

Megtetted? Eltetted?
A t�rgyakat �s mindent, ami fontos?
Kutattam, kerestem magam k�r�l,
Belet�rtam l�d�ba, szatyorba zsebbe...
Mit is kerestem?
N�lam nincsen m�r semmi, csak ez a k�rd�s.
 

(�s az is minek? a tigris �gyis felfal mindent.)

x.x

(Read at your own peril, please!! �s csak �vatosan!)

VT 3. k�nyv, nyit�ny [2013]

I went to look for our lock today.

You would deny it - provided that I'd ever get the chance to tell you - that it was ours. You'd rather deny its existence outright than to admit that it had anything to do with me.

(it wasn't there).

I had the dimmest memories of when and where  you - we - could have placed it (trying to ignore the why), but either it had been removed (you removed it?) or it just eluded me (did it elude you as well?)

Perhaps it was not even the lock I was searching for, or perhaps my eyes were too busy trying not to see. If I'd found that thing, I would have removed it. (I guess).

(perhaps you have really removed it).

If that's true, you're being unfair. The lock wasn't even ours... perhaps someone guessed the same thing, and stole it. Perhaps I wasn't attentive enough. Perhaps I just didn't have eyes for it. Perhaps it was fate (or your goddamn will) who decided I should never find it again.

But what could I have done? Break it? Piss on it, like a dog? Melt it? Toss it into the river? I have no more power over that lock than I do over you.

(Perhaps, just a bit).

-

Now, for your information, I'm sitting in the park where we used to talk about the lock, and everything it meant. (Did it mean anything?)

-

(no, I did not find it, I found memories instead, and that's too bad, because you can't fucking burn memories).

That lock is like a mythic creature to me now. I know it exists, I believe it exists, but no one else ever saw it. No one, but you.

-

I bet it wasn't even a special lock. I'm sure it was ugly. My mind is just colouring the picture - perhaps it's even good that I never found it, lest I had that sensation you feel when you revisit the places where you'd spent your childhood and suddenly, they all seem so small and poorly.

-

I went to look for our lock today. I'm disappointed.

I didn't quite expect to really find it, but I did expect to find something.

This void is so full: it's not to my liking.

Jelent�s n�lk�li kijelent�mondatok sora voltunk a Dunaparton.
x.x

A kiengedett haj az eg�szben a l�nyeg. "�sszefogott hajjal soha sem lesz pasid" hallod a b�lcs bar�tn�t, mik�zben a kontyod felfesz�ti a fejedre a b�rt, elt�nteti a korasz�l�tt r�ncokat. �lvezed, hogy a sz�l lebegteti a tark�don a r�videbb tincseket: innen tudod csak, hogy nincs elt�rve a gerinced. (Akkor nem �rezn�d.) Szeretn�d, ha kedves hull�mokban �leln� k�r�l az arcod, de csak  t�redezetten egyenes, ilyen persze nem is lehetne, de m�gis az, mint az �lmaid, az elveid, amik mindent�l elv�lasztanak. Becsavarni, bes�tni sem tudtad soha: p�r perc ut�n �gyis vissza�ll az egyenes egy verzi�j�ba; megt�p�zottan l�g rajtad az eg�sz.

x.x

....nem is mert�nk k�rdezni sem, bolyongtunk egym�s k�r�l, k�z�nk fesz�lt a sok lehetett volna, meg a CEU �gy, meg az, hogy sz�ban nem, csak �rint�sben tudok hazudni...

x.x

Az �rint�s kongat.

R�gi f�mtart�lyt simogatni.

D�rzs�l a rozsda az ajkadon.

x.x

'We walked undert the trees, and in the sun, you were Maitimo once more; obscenely beautiful, unapologeticaly tall, unaware of the effect you had on people...on me...'
'Let me guess, you sang.'
There was that acid in his voice, ever present, ever seeping through the most inspired of his speeches, poisoning eery word. He did not lie outright, no, this was worse; he didnt believe any of his own words or intentions.
'I did,' you admit, suddenly losing the will to elaborate. Makalaure remained in that forest of his dreams, but Maitimo walks higher roads now, towards greater destinies.
'You always sing, Maka. Its what you do.'
And you would scream and shout that its not all that you do; you did great deeds, but as your mind searches for the perfect answer (precise words have always been an importance to you) all you can think of is what you did not (could not?) do: you did not stop Father, you did not defend the Gap, you did not take back the gems, you did not lead the Noldor and you did not rescue Maitimo... You hide, that is the right word, you hid in Fathers ambition, you hide now in Maitimo's purpose, you hide in your songs and dreams...
'Yes. Nelyo. Thats what I do.' 
x.x.

Pain is the only way to reality.

x.x

Bridge of freedom, chained by thousands of padlocks, lying about love. Just wait till it collapses...

x.x

nem a p�rna, az �lmaim gy�rik meg reggelre az arcom.

x.x